Heart of Midlothian Football Club today announced that
they have sacked all their fans
The Hearts support, who joined the club in 1874, were
dismissed by owner Vladimir Romanov after a series of
poor results. A statement issued on behalf of Mr
Romanov, who from the end of the season will be known
as Club President, said: "We have been disappointed
with the performance of the fans. Results were not
what they should have been.
"The way in which some events were discussed by the
paying support was disappointing to us. It was been
made clear that the only statement that is appropriate
for the supporters to make is the mindless chanting of
the words: 'I believe'. Genuflection to the club
President is also appropriate."
Mr Romanov, who from the end of next season will be
known as Tsar of All The Russias and Empress of India,
added: "I'd like to thank the Hearts support for all
its hard work. It gave 100%, but ultimately it did not
work out. Vladimir Romanov and the club's management
felt that something had to be done quickly. We owed it
to our own ridiculous delusions."
He then outlined ambitious plans for the club to win
the Champion's League, lift the World Cup and put a
man on Mars by 2007 - probably Stephen Pressley.
In the interim, the support will be replaced by
"caretaker fans" - cloned members of the Romanov
family who have been trained to burl scarves and ask
no questions.
A spokesman for the Hearts Supports Support Group, Mr
A N Gunt-Romanov, said: "I believe."
Disgruntled Hearts fans gathering outside Tynecastle
were offered an attractive array of one, two and
three-bedroom luxury apartments from £100,000.
!SR
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