Irish humour

A teacher asks her class to use the word 'contagious' in a sentence.      
Roland, the class swot, gets up and says, "Last year I got the Flu        
my Mum said it was contagious."                                           
"Well done, Roland" says the teacher." Can anyone else try?"              
Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says," My grandma says          
there's a  bug going round, and it's contagious."                         
"Well done, Katie" says the teacher. "Anyone else?"                       
Little Irish Shaun jumps up and says in a broad Irish voice, "Our         
next  door neighbour is painting his house with a two-inch brush and my   
Dad                                                                       
says it will take the contagious.                                         
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A Scotsman, an Italian, and an Irishman are in a bar. They are            
having a good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place. Then the   
Scotsman says, "Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, back in>  
Culbokie, there's a better one. At the Culbokie Inn, ye buy a drink, ye   
buy                                                                       
another drink, and the proprietor himself will buy yir third drink!" The  
others agree that sounds like a good place.                               
Then the Italian says, "Yeah, zat's a nice bar, but where I come          
from, zere's a better one. In Roma, zere's this place, Vincenzo's. At     
Vincenzo's, you buy a drink, Vincenzo buys you a drink. You buy anudda    
drink,                                                                    
Vincenzo buys you anudda drink." Everyone agrees that sounds like a great 
bar.                                                                      
Then the Irishman says, "You tink dat's great? Where Oi come from in      
Dublin, dere's dis place called Morphy's. At Morphy's, they boy you       
your forst drink, dey boy you your second drink, dey boy you your tird    
drink, and den, dey take you in de back and get you laid!"                
Wow!" say the other two. "That's fantastic! Did that actually             
happen to you?"                                                           
No," replies the Irish guy, "but it happened to me                        
sister!".........                                                         
                                                                          
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The plane crash                                                           
Ireland's worst air disaster occurred today when a small 2-seater         
Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery this afternoon in central Ireland.   
Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 826 bodies so far and      
>expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.         
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